Introversion

I've never been terribly good with people.
My parents are both huge introverts, so I never really got used to going places or seeing people as a younger kid. Then the whole I'm-a-preteen-and-everything-embarrasses-me phase kicked in and I didn't really want any of my friends to meet my family, so all of my friends were kinda low-key. It just continued until the point where I'm now approaching 16 with no actual best friend and no life outside of school. It... sorta sucks.
It doesn't help that I practically have NO social media. Yeah, sure, I have Facebook, but who doesn't? Tumblr isn't really social, as anyone on there will tell you, and that's about it apart from this weird little blog. I don't have Snapchat, or Instagram, or Twitter, or Kik or anything else. The internet's a lonely place when you know that your friends are having fun in some other bit of it.
So I tend to spend intervals and lunchtimes sitting with the two people who can bear my presence most as they scroll through their Insta feeds and casually snapchat people on the other side of the school, losing myself in a book as they lose themselves online. Sometimes it feels peaceful, and other times I just want to SCREAM that this ISN'T FRIENDSHIP. For all I know, they're messaging each other about how lame I am. For all I know, they're watching hot tentacle porn. For all I know, they're arranging a kidnapping.
I know I could probably have a life if I wanted to. I could probably be on every social media under the sun if I wanted to. But the thing about growing up with introverts is that even if you yourself aren't an introvert, it rubs off on you. Yes, it does feel like you've been punched in the soul when someone casually mentions that they stayed up messaging a person they met two days ago, but it's also somehow really satisfying to stay home and do nothing all weekend. 
I can try, though. I can at least try.

Base the Third

I'm not quite sure how to even begin telling this.
Today I was in French class, with my friends... let's call them Sophie and Aditi. (They'll never see this, but I still don't wanna use their names.) Sophie and Aditi are better friends with each other than they are with me, but I'm kinda used to it at this point, and I need someone to sit with while learning forms of the passe compose, so there I am. 
Aditi has three main possessions: an iPhone, a tendency to talk too much, and a nerdy boyfriend called... um... Dan. On this particular day, the first two got her sent up to the Seat of Death, beside the old-fashioned light projection machine our broke school still uses, to work alone. Sophie and I were still at the back.
So we kept working on our passages about someone's adventures in town with their friend Isabelle for a few minutes, then Sophie started writing something on a bit of paper. I kinda assumed that she's going to get up and give it to Aditi when she's done, because they do that kinda thing all the time, but she waited until the teacher has prowled past and slid it over to me.
Did Aditi tell you she got to third base with Dan?
I had to read it about three times to even BEGIN to get that through my head. Third base? THIRD BASE? THIRD MOTHERF***ING BASE??? Sophie took the paper back, wrote some more and slid it back to me. You know what that is, right? (Everyone thinks I'm the innocent one, since I still look like I'm about 11, but I do notice shit.) Hands and mouth on the hoohah. Don't tell anyone else, idk if Aditi is ok with people knowing.
The thing is, I've known both Aditi and Dan for several years. Aditi at third base, I can almost come to terms with that, but Dan??? WHAT THE WHAT??? I can nearly process... hands... but mouth? At that point my brain kinda shuts down from sheer nope nope nopeity NOPE. It's impossible to look at two people you've been seeing for four years and imagine them doing that stuff together. We're all fifteen, people. Meaning that not only are Aditi and Dan's adventures in hoohah-land completely un-processable, they're technically illegal.
I'm absolutely not condemning either of them for doing that stuff. If they both want to, and they feel comfortable, then um... why the hell not? I just can't really get my head around the fact that I've never even held hands with a guy (or girl), and Aditi and Dan may have already done the deed.
I just... hope they keep it safe and consensual and as private as they want it to be.

"Whenever I hold onto all the words I want to utter, I hear them bursting into seeds."

My mum gave me a postcard with that quote printed on it, and I'm staring at it while typing this right now. I'm not even sure who said it. Up until about two hours ago, I didn't understand it at all. But walking home from school got me thinking... I'd like someone I can talk to. Yeah, sure, I have plenty of friends, but I also have plenty of thoughts I wouldn't EVER want them to hear. 

So I'm turning to the internet. I know nobody will read this, in all likelihood, but I need somewhere to talk to. I need some way of letting someone, ANYONE, know all the things I want to scream from the rooftops, and probably would if it wasn't for the fact that someone I know would hear me.

I have so, so many words that need uttering, and I can't just let them burst into seed.